Ron's Big Decision
by Schnurrbart
Summary: Ron makes a big decision.
1. Chapter 1

One day Ron woke up and decided to face facts. His personal insecurities were pushing a wedge between him and his friends. If he didn't measure up to Harry or Hermione it was because, unlike them, he hadn't been brave enough to face his own demons. Well, that was going to change, Ron decided. But unfortunately he didn't know where to start. He knew what he wanted, but not how to get there. He also was terrified of failing and being rejected, especially from Hermione. So what Ron do?

Ron didn't do anything, expect to act nicer to Hermione and less envious around Harry. This appeared to have a positive impact, but Ron felt that the progress he was making was too slow. There had to be a faster way to become a wonderful person. But how?

Ron didn't know but figured that something would happen to show him the way. He made extra sure to pay close attention to the wonderful people at Hogwarts to see if he could learn something from them. Cedric Diggory looked like a vampire, Roger Davis looked like an elf, and Dumbledore looked like an old wizard. Curious, very curious… But what did they all have in common?

It was quite a riddle, and Ron hadn't yet met a Riddle he liked. But he did know somebody who was good at riddles, or at least answered them every day when she wanted to go to bed. He found Luna alone in the woods gazing off into nothing. What was she gazing at?

"Thestrals." She replied.

"Okay. I have a riddle for you."

"Oh?"

"What do a vampire, an elf, and an old wizard all have in common?"

Luna pondered.

"They all have reproductive organs."

Ron shook his head.

"No, that can't be it. I have those already."

Luna pondered.

"They are all magical creatures."

"With reproductive organs?"

Luna raised her eyebrow seductively.

Ron pondered aloud.

"I'm already a wizard, but I can't wait until I'm old to become wonderful. So I should become an elf or a vampire?"

Luna turned away.

"Start with Roger Davis. He's an elf."

Ron thanked her and walked towards the castle. He'd never spoken to Davis before. Such was the mysterious nature of elves. They kept to their own.

Yet Davis was remarkably easy to get alone. He always used the bathroom after Charms class, and when he locked the stall and turned he found Ron Weasley sitting upon the toilet, expectantly waiting.

"Whoa Weasley, what the hell?"

"I was here first, you must have not seen me."

The torch lighting in the bathroom was rather dim, Davis decided.

"Oh Weasley, I'm so sorry."

"Don't sweat it. Also, how do I become an elf?"

"No Weasley, I can't say"

Ron sighed. Oh well, he'd have to settle for being a vampire instead. Then he noticed a sneaky glint in Davis' eyeball.

"So Weasley, I have ideas."

Ron raised his eyebrow seductively. Davis didn't notice.

"Joe Weasley, Am I right?"

"It's Ron, actually."

Then Davis told him everything he needed to know.

Davis didn't tell him how to become an elf, or a vampire. He told him how to become something else; it required an ancient and powerful ritual, but so did most good things in life. It would allow Ron to give form to his various insecurities and leave him with nothing but his virtues.

"Flawless victory." Ron told himself.

He followed Davis' direction and arranged a proper ritual circle. He got Seamus and Dean to help, because the ritual called for a pure-blood, a half-blood, and a muggle-born. Normally he would have used Harry and Hermione, but he wanted to surprise them.

"BY THE POWER OF RAH!" They shrieked.

"Mut...Nut...Khnum...Ptah..."

"Nephthys...Nekhbet...Sobek...Sekhment..."

"Sokar...Selket...Reshpu...Wadjet..."

"Anubis...Anukis..."

"RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A vortex was created in the middle of the room, and a giant pair of scissors appeared before them. Seamus and Dean collapsed into unconsciousness.

"Who hath summoned me?" The scissors whispered.

"It was me."

"I will now cleanse you of your impurities."

"Thank you, oh great one."

The scissors began to snip away at little parts of Ron's soul. It felt wonderful.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" The scissors whispered in his ear.

"Yes, it does." Ron replied, his breath catching.

"Yeah, you like that don't you? You want it bad, huh?"

"I do, I really do!"

"Yeah well, Big Papa ain't gonna give it all to you, not yet. You're gonna have to beg for it."

"Oh please, give it to me Big Papa, I need more!"

"Yeah? Well get on your knees then, bitch."

Ron did as he was told.


	2. Red Hairings

Ron awoke the next day feeling wonderful. He would remember last night forever.

He sat up in his bed and looked about. The curtains were torn, the rug was scorched, and Neville's bed was missing. Seamus and Dean were nowhere to be seen.

Just then, Ron heard a moan from the bathroom. Just to be safe, he put on some trousers.

Inside the bathroom he found a young red-headed man dressed in Hogwarts robes lying beside the toilet. The man's face and the toilet were covered in a vibrant purple vomit.

"Rough night?" Ron asked, trying to be kind.

"Fourteen Firewhiskeys mate. Sorry about the mess."

"Oh, I understand. Merlin knows I've lost control before. You mind if I use the toilet?"

Vomit Man shook his head, then groaned and curled into the fetal position. Ron pulled down his trousers and put the toilet seat down.

It was pleasant, pooping in the presence of another. Ron had never pooped in front of Harry or Hermione. Not even in front of his brothers. Yet he felt comfortable defecating in front of Bathroom Intruder. It was a Zen experience.

Ron finished pooping and felt fresh determination spread from his anus to his brain.

"Do you know where I might find Dean or Seamus or possibly Neville's bed?"

Upchuck Lad appeared pensive and hung-over.

"I dunno, look around. They're probably eating breakfast or playing bedroom quidditch with your sister." Barfing Asshole wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Ron left the bathroom, got properly dressed, and headed down to the Common Room to solve the problem.

The Common Room was a giant smoldering hole. Ron looked down it and saw that it continued through the lower floors of the tower. He looked for his friends but only found Ron Weasley standing across the room at the very edge of the chasm.

Ron gasped. His ritual had worked!

"Excuse me, do you know who made this hole?" He asked.

"When you stare long into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you." Other Ron responded despondently.

"So it was you then?"

"Ha, I see you've never read Nietzsche." Other Ron said. What a dick.

"Was anybody hurt by this?"

"The Übermensch fashions his own morality. It's almost imperative that you don't comprehend me."

"God." Ron started sobbing.

"Oh, don't get me started on him-" Other Ron was getting started when a distant explosion cut him off. It rocked the tower and sent Other Ron tumbling into the void squealing horribly. Ron cried some more.

How could his insecurities have blown a hole in Gryffindor Tower? He'd never even thought about doing that before. Maybe the ritual idea wasn't as wonderful as Ron had imagined.


	3. Cedric appears

Ron got over himself and decided to solve the problem. It was up to him to rein in the corporeal forms of his various insecurities. Hogwarts was counting on him!

But first he was going to need some info. He had to find Roger Davis and figure out how to perform the counter ritual. But he was stuck in Gryffindor Tower with no way out. He looked back down the giant hole in the floor.

"Helllooooooooo?" he called.

The only response was the sound of darkness. That could only mean one thing.

Ron turned and found Cedric Diggory standing close behind him.

"Hello Ron," he said, smiling.

"Cedric!"

This was the man who ruled Hufflepuff House with his pinkie toe while the rest of him engaged in hot sexcapades with Cho Chang. He'd won the Triwizard Tournament on the first day by punching his dragon's face off and throwing its corpse into the Forbidden Forest. He emanated coldness; everyone who took classes with him had to bundle up.

Ron already wished he had his winter cloak. Cedric stepped closer and Ron nearly fell to his death.

"Careful," Cedric smiled, "You've already fallen down that hole once."

"Cedric, I don't know what to do!"

"Jump on my back. We'll save Hogwarts together."

Ron did as he was told.

"You better hold on tight, spider monkey," Cedric smiled. Then he triple back flipped into the abyss. As they were falling, Ron could feel the frostbite creeping into his arms and legs.

The bottom was strewn with uneven wreckage, but Cedric managed to stick the landing. Ron slipped off his back and lay shivering on the ground. Cedric looked at him, smiling.

"Here, I can help." Cedric turned Ron into a grape and put him inside a thermos. Inside the thermos were Other Ron and Puke Face, who were a raspberry and an almond, respectively.

"Oh no," said Grape, "He's using us to make a fruit salad."

Raspberry nodded, "Yes. Now the only ingredient he's missing is-"

"Melon," they all finished, the horrible realization washing over them.

"We gotta do something!" Almond ejaculated.

But they were fruits and a nut, so they couldn't.


	4. The student master the becomes

Soon the thermos unsealed. Grape squinted, but could only see the smell of shadows. Raspberry wobbled with terror. A voicing boom shattered the uncalm.

"The other Rons are aware of my presence and are concealing themselves accordingly," came a terrible, "Where would you hide if you knew I was coming to turn you into a fruit?"

"Why are you doing this you monster?!" Almond wailed.

The shadows became smellier.

"It's because I lust for humans, but I'm also a vegetarian. This way I'm technically not breaking any rules."

"I think I know where the Rons are. If you let me go I'll lead you to them," Grape said.

"Okay, good deal."

Cedric picked Grape out of the thermos and transfigured him back into Ron. He looked around and saw that they were now in the Great Hall. Dumbledore was giving a speech to the students.

"There is evil afoot in this castle, my little ponies. That evil has a name. That name starts with an R. Everybody gets a guess. Mr. Boot?"

"Ravenclaw?" said Terry Boot.

Dumbledore shook his head. "No, that's dumb. Anybody else?"

Hannah Abbott raised her hand.

"Risk-free government bonds?"

Dumbledore shuddered.

"Ooohh, yes very evil. But not quite the right answer. Ten points anyways to whatever House you're in, Miss Abbott."

Next up was Draco Malfoy.

"Is it Ron Weasley?"

"Ding ding ding! Excellent deduction, Mr. Malfoy! Two hundred points for Slytherin and a vacation in Acapulco for two!"

"Wow!" whooped Malfoy, celebrating and hugging Pansy Parkinson.

Dumbledore teleported them to Acapulco.

"Now we must organize to deal with this new threat. Ron Weasley is responsible for blowing up Gryffindor Tower and drinking all our Firewhiskey. Roger Davis is also suspected of cooperating with the fugitive. Both young men are missing right now."

Murmer murmer, went the crowd of students. But then-

"WAIT!" Ron ran down the aisle between the tables up to Dumbledore through the students around the Hall below the ceiling. He turned to face the student body. Dumbledore turned to face his student's body.

"It wasn't me," Ron cried, "I invoked an ancient ritual that summoned a giant pair of scissors that cut out all of my insecurities and gave them physical form and now I'm getting blamed for something that I didn't do!"

This was the part where Malfoy would usually drawl all over everybody, but now he was gone; therefore the obligation to create strife and dissention during a time of crisis fell to the second biggest douche in school.

"Well I for one am appalled," said Zacharias Smith, "Appalled that such things could happen at Hogwarts. I think this calls for a Ministry investigation, I really do. Who's with me?"

Some Hufflepuffs made a perfunctory attempt at supporting their housemate, but they were instantly quashed by a slight twitch in Cedric's smile. Everybody else merely looked on, not yet convinced that Smith could provide the cancer-like erosion of unity and spirit that they'd come to rely on from Malfoy. Smith decided to step it up a notch.

"In fact, I think all the Gryffindors should be held responsible for Weasley's actions. They're his housemates, they should have been more responsible about the ancient rituals he was performing in their dorm. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer their continual disruption of our education."

There was a pause while everybody digested this. Then-

"That's actually a good point Smith," Dumbledore said, "Gryffindor House, since you didn't stop or report Ron Weasley's obviously dangerous ritual, you are hereby assigned to clean this mess up."


	5. Just Pathetic

Because their common room was now a sinkhole, Gryffindor House met inside Professor McGonagall's office to decide how to solve the problem. They didn't know where the remaining insecure Rons were or how many of them there might be. So McGonagall decided to ask Ron what he used to be insecure about.

"Hermione, being stupid, being bad at quidditch, being an arsehole, losing control of myself, Harry, and spiders. Usually in that order," Ron replied promptly, his gaze firm and ears pale.

"Alright everyone, I have an idea!" McGonagall drew herself up to her full height. It was hard to do because the parchment kept rolling up. Eventually she just had Neville sit on one end and Cormac on the other. The whole process took two hours, most of it spent on shading. Then she said:

"Fifth years and above will split into teams of two and start hunting the other Rons. All clear?"

Crystal clear, unfortunately for Ron. Colin Creevy was already leg-humping Harry and McLadden called dibs on Hermione so fast it impressed even Cedric, who was spying on the meeting with his psychic powers. Nobody wanted to be Ron's partner.

"That's okay Mr. Weasley. I will accompany you," McGonagall said. Ron raised an eyebrow seductively, and then felt very ashamed.

"As well you should, Mr. Weasley. I'm way out of your league," McGonagall sniffed, miffed. Gryffindor House then left the office and started wandering all over Hogwarts. Seamus and Neville checked the Quiddich pitch, Lavender and Parvati scoured the locker rooms, and Dean and Ginny staked out Ginny's bedroom for hours.

Meanwhile McGonagall and Ron searched the dungeons. McGonagall had a bone to pick.

"I mean, for my age I think I'm doing pretty well, thank you," she said, unraveling and observing her recent self-portrait; Neville's butt sweat stains had smudged her face a bit. "Few women retain their figure as well as I have."

Ron observed her and realized that she had a point. The Professoress was a fine specimen, with a delicate yet determined face, a taught yet wrinkly physique, and breasts simultaneously microscopic and ginormous. She was a paradox with an easy answer, and that answer was sex.

"Professor, I'm feeling incredibly attracted to you."

"Yeah, I bet you are Weasley. I know what all you Gryffindor boys think."

Admittedly Gryffindor boys were pretty dirty, thought Ron. Harry talked about his sexual desires like they were an actual monster, and since Seamus hit puberty the boy's bathroom was always out of toilet paper. But Ron had personally never included McGonagall into his sick fantasies. Until now.

He was leaning in to kiss her when a hand tugged on his shirt. He turned to see a beautiful red-headed girl staring at him with sky-blue eyes.

"Um, excuse me, but don't you think this is just going to make things more complicated between you and Hermione? I mean, if you hook up with too many people how is she going to know she's special to you and that you really care about her?" said the girl very quickly, before she kicked Ron in the balls and ran away, sobbing and flailing her arms around.

"I'm the goddamn Whomping Willow you motherfuckers!" they heard her say before she turned the corner and vanished.

Ron lay groaning on the ground as McGonagall looked at him haughtily.

"Just pathetic, Weasley. Ten points from Gryffindor."


	6. The Burger King Affair

It was a little known fact, but Minerva McGonagall competed in amateur track and field events during the summer vacations. That was her secret to remaining so svelte. Every great witch or wizard had a terrible secret they hid from the world. So it was with surprise in her eyes that the redhead girl turned to see the old witch hauling serious ass down the corridor. The girl sped up and fled through a passageway that was pretending to be a Burger King. She ran past pretend customers up to the pretend counter, where the pretend employees told her to go to the back of the line and wait like everybody else. Then McGonagall blasted through the entrance and transfigured a customer into an angry swarm of bees. The girl responded by turning a cheeseburger into a grizzly bear. Everything was perfect until-

"WAIT!" Ron yelled. He leaned on the shattered doorway, taking heavy breaths and clutching his goods. Everybody stopped. But not because of Ron; a bone-chilling frost had entered the Burger King, freezing everybody's diet Fanta. The grizzly bear whispered, "Oh God no, not him."

The windows cracked loudly and the florescent light bulbs burst at once. The floor started to shake. Ron felt his muscles contracting, his fingers and toes curling together tightly, painfully. He collapsed onto the ground, his entire body taut and strained to its limit. Somewhere in the darkness, a girl screamed in absolute terror.


End file.
